Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school
diploma to fix one, a reassurance for those who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,'
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some
actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P)
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



*************

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

**************

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

**************

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

**************

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

**************

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.


**************

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

***************

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

***************

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

***************

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

***************

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

***************

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

**************

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

***************

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

***************

And the best one for last..................


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

טל

חוץ מזה, אני לא יודע אם ההערה האחרונה הייתה רצינית -
שקוואנטס היא החברה הגדולה היחידה שלא הייתה לה תאונה קטלנית, אבל מניסיון של שלוש טיסות איתה, מתוכן שתיים שארוכות יותר מ-8 שעות, אני יכול להגיד שהטייסים הישראליים הרבה יותר טובים מהאוסטרלים. לא יודע למה, ואפשר לנתח את זה ולהגיד הרבה סיבות, אבל האוסטרלים גרועים יותר (לדוגמא - נחיתה מאוד ברוטלית באחת הפעמים ועוד כל מיני דוגמאות שלא ארחיב)

Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane....and be sure that I'll be back again!